More Un-optimization
Because apparently we're all control freaks.
Tuesday I published a post about life optimization.
When I reread it, it sounded a little… self righteous? Not overtly. More that I can tell I am trying very hard to convince myself I’m good, un-optimized. But by evening, I was crying about how out of control I actually felt. Ironic really.
I had many more people than normal, close friends and strangers, reach out with things like same and wow, I feel this. The topic drove immediate solidarity. And it made me realize I hit something very sensitive for a lot of people. Self / life optimization… the way we are trying to optimize our lives, often in ways that isolate us or make us unhappy, is not just a me problem. It’s universal.
Later that evening, my husband pointed me to the latest Ezra Klein episode ft. Priya Parker. Priya wrote The Art of Gathering1 and her episode with Ezra touches on optimizing in the context of gathering and hosting. She spoke about how we wait for the perfect setup, the perfect house, the perfect vibe, the perfectly controlled situation before we let ourselves bring people together. Timely.
Intellectually, I know you don’t need the perfect setup. But recently, and unintentionally, I’ve stopped having people over because my inside space isn’t “right.” I actually love to host. I have a great outdoor space for it. I do not have a great indoor space for it.
I have basically been waiting for my space to be more optimized before I let myself gather people I love. Writing that sentence makes me sad.
Listening to Ezra and Priya talk about this gave me both permission and grief. Permission to stop waiting for optimization. Grief for how long I have been waiting for optimization.
We live in a moment where it is incredibly easy to optimize everything. You can track your sleep. Your calories. Your workouts. Your steps. Your focus. Your mood. You can build a dashboard for your entire existence. And, if I manage enough variables, I will finally get to this frictionless version of life and be happy. As I said in my original post, control breeds control. And control is not the same thing as being alive.
It all brought me back to this night in Savannah, Georgia…
We only had one night there, so of course I did what I always do. I researched intensely. I picked the top rated restaurant to optimize my meal. And guess what?
It was terrible.
Not subtly disappointing. Comically bad. The atmosphere was weird the second we walked in. The waiter was rude. The couple next to us looked like they were actively breaking up. The whole room felt off. And the food was terrible.
I was devastated. We had one night in Savannah, and this was the meal.
I was fully in my head about wasting the night, being angry at myself for making the wrong choice. Classic me.
Fortunately, my husband played the opposite role in this scenario. He started laughing at the absurdity of the whole thing. He said, “At least we’re getting a story out of this. Which is even better and more long lasting than a good meal.”
He was right.
That night is way more vivid in my memory than the dozens of perfectly nice, perfectly chosen, perfectly forgettable meals I have optimized my way into. Thinking about that night still makes me laugh.
Most of the time, I do pick a great restaurant2. And I couldn’t tell you much about those nights. But I can tell you a lot about the night I got it wrong. And I think a lot about the lesson of that night a lot. When things go wrong, as they often do.
All of these tools and systems and apps leave less and less room for things to go wrong. Yet, things going wrong can kind of be the point.
When I got out of my head with disappointment, I got into the moment to appreciate the absurdity of the restaurant.
I think that’s what un-optimization really is. Letting go of the fantasy that control is the same thing as a good life.
The bad restaurant is the story.
The imperfect house is the coziest.
The thing you did not plan for is the whole point.
Keep calm and un-optimize, people.
I’m Jori Bell, VP of Core at Hampton. I’m also a Coach for Product Leaders. I have one more open coaching spot this season—if that sounds like something you’ve been craving, reach out.
A book that’s been gathering dust on my bookshelf and one I’ve embarrassingly not read yet.
;-)