Deconstructing Negative Self-Talk
Learning to tame the voices in my head with Positive Intelligence.
Have you ever dealt with intrusive thoughts that poke at you all throughout the day?
Do you ever ruminate yourself into an anxiety spiral? A panic attack?
Have your compulsive thoughts felt like they had complete control over you?
Well, I have.
And they've been detrimental to my wellbeing both professionally and personally.
A few months ago, I learned about an opportunity to participate in Shirzad Chamine's Positive Intelligence program through the coaching community I helped found, the Coaching Corner. It helped to fundamentally change my relationship to my negative self-talk.
I’m not sure I would have signed up to do a program like this on my own. But, my peers in Coaching Corner were self-organizing into learning pods and I couldn’t miss out. Ahh, the power of FOMO unlocked.
I didn’t know what to expect, but the potential for learning new tools felt compelling enough to give it a go. I set out to learn more about coaching others. Ironically, and perhaps by design, I learned a lot more about myself.
Looking Inwards
Fueled by my own battle with negative self-talk, I’ve done a lot of looking inward over the past year to challenge the way I think and the way I respond to others as well as my own thoughts. That’s come with consuming lots of self transformational content. I’ve sought comfort in reframes and fresh perspectives to complement the support I get from family and professionals. In digesting all of this content, a common theme continues to pop up: the identification of and with negative self-talk. Eckhart Tolle calls it the ego, Julia Cameron calls it the censor, Stutz calls it the shadow. So when Shamine introduced saboteurs, I thought, oh, here we go again.
I hate to admit that my negative self-talk has played an integral part in running the show that is my life. And in many ways, I mistakenly believed it was paramount for achieving success.
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EXAMPLE
The negative self-talk: I can’t finish this project because I’m lazy. I’ve lost my momentum and I don’t know when I’m going to find it again. And if I don’t find momentum again, what will that mean for my business? Will I fall behind on my financial goals? What if I can’t pay my bills?! [An epic spiral 😵💫]
The perceived positive action: I finish the project and I get to cross it off my list. 🫠
The reality: It’s rushed and suffers in quality. I feel a deep sense of relief, but I have to fix all the sloppy pieces. 😑
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Over the past year, I’ve come to acknowledge that my negative self-talk has actually been a poison. It’s been an uncomfortable realization. And a scary thing to give up. Perhaps because it felt so encompassing. Perhaps because it’s so amorphous. Perhaps because it’s core to my identity. And potentially disengaging with my negative self-talk, well, that felt like threatening to cut off a limb.
Cut to Positive Intelligence.
We kicked off the program diving deep into negative self-talk. Negative self-talk got deconstructed down from this big amorphous thing into different flavors - like stickler, victim, pleaser, etc. Saboteurs were all versions of negative self-talk that we all cultivate and give too much space to. It was here I found new language and a new way to understand my negative self-talk, and, in turn, myself. The gist of the process went like so:
Start by identifying your saboteurs. Try the assessment here.
Start noticing them in everyday life. Cringe worthy but eye opening.
Start combating them. The antidote to the saboteurs are sage powers: Activation came in the form of mindfulness exercises (think grounding and breathing) and self command tactics like empathize, explore and innovate.
So how’d it go?
I found myself completely moved by this new way to break down my negative self-talk. I more deeply understood it by naming it (a pleaser, avoider, hyper achiever combo). And for me, the explore sage, or curiosity, helped me disassociate from some of the most vile negative self-talk haunting me regularly.
The shift I saw in myself was powerful. My biggest wins were in the identification of my saboteurs in the moment, disassociating from my saboteurs and a near close to daily mindfulness practice that rivaled my 100+ day Duolingo streak.
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EXAMPLE REFRAME
The negative self-talk: I can’t finish this project because I’m lazy. I’ve lost my momentum and I don’t know when I’m going to find it again. And if I don’t find momentum again, what will that mean for my business? Will I fall behind on my financial goals? What if I can’t pay my bills?! [An epic spiral 😵💫]
The Identification of the Saboteur: Wow, you’re really being hard on yourself. You just connected writing a blog post to not paying rent. Maybe step away from this right now. 🛑
The Sage Intervention: Explore - The energy isn’t flowing right now. I wonder why? Are you in a bad headspace today? Are you not feeling inspired by this topic? Can you trust that you have a track record of getting things done when the energy is right? Right now, the energy doesn’t seem to flow. 🌊
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Conquering Negative Self Talk, Together
One of the best parts of the experience, though, was making it real with my pod of internet friends. It was the group processing, peer reframes and warm encouragement that kept me coming back to the content, even in the weeks that felt like a challenge. One of the biggest benefits to the pod experience was the sense of accountability I felt to show up having done the work: watched the videos, tried the mindfulness exercises and practiced the tactics. Our weekly meetings gave us a rooted space to have fruitful, connected discussions.
The experience reminded me of the co-learning I did last year in a peer coaching circle. It was a safe, vulnerable space to figure out hard shit. It also showed me the possibility of co-learning through a certification program as I continue down my coaching journey. It was a healthy reminder that the best way to learn is to do it alongside one another. 🤝
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Check out some ideas below on how to start co-learning.
Not a coach but curious to know more? Check out the book Positive Intelligence. Take the Saboteur Assessment and see what you learn about your negative self-talk. Got none? Good for you.
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Co-learning links
I am facilitating a coaching circle this Fall for mid-career product women. Applications close September 29th so forward this to anyone who might be interested!
Other co-learning platforms:
Cohort based learning platforms: Maven, Reforge, Braintrust
For PMs: The Product School, Product Gym
Peer group coaching: Sidebar, The Grand World, The Beacon Collective